Living and Coping with PTSD

I knew something was wrong with me, but never in a million years did I think I would hear the diagnosis, “Complex PTSD.”

It is one thing to know something is wrong and another to have a name for it. Of course, I had heard of PTSD before because I majored in psychology in college, but mostly heard it talked about in relation to combat veterans that had experienced a great deal of trauma while at war. Even in psych class, we were told that everyday people like you and I could develop such a disorder, but the examples always stood strong with veterans due to the widespread development of the disorder after experiencing combat.

When I was told that I have PTSD, I felt relieved to know for sure and I also felt disturbed. I suppose the possibility always held its place in the back of my mind, but I didn’t want to believe it. Deep down I think I knew because I have experienced or currently do experience:

· Occasional flashbacks

· Avoiding anything that would remind me of my trauma

· Irritability almost 100% of the time

· Difficulty concentrating

· Hypervigilance

· Easily startled

· Feeling as if I’m unable to fully express emotion

· Uncertainty about my future

· Feeling detached from others

· Unable to recall certain details of my trauma

There were times that I thought maybe the symptoms of PTSD were in my head. It’s easy to know the symptoms and doubt whether or not you are genuinely feeling them. Talking to a professional, however, revealed that the symptoms really do exist and are not just created due to the fact I have knowledge of the disorder.

PTSD also makes a great deal of sense because of the different types of abuse I endured as a child. I endured sexual abuse, physical abuse, and emotional abuse. Basically, I survived every type of child abuse there is and all at the hands of different people. Domestic violence also played a role in my upbringing and I am proud of the person I have become despite the abuses I had to endure. However, becoming this person has not come without a fight.

For approximately 20 years, I have battled depression and the symptoms of post traumatic stress have been there since I was a child who had to constantly look over my shoulder in fear I’d be hurt again. Basically, living with it has become a way of life for me. I know nothing different. I had to look at my husband one day and say, “I do not know what it is like to truly relax. Based on what people tell me, my version of relaxation is different than theirs.” I am always tense. I even sleep tense, therefore I do not sleep deeply. Overall, living with PTSD has been a nightmare with a few good dreams in between. Meeting and marrying my husband, creating friendships that have lasted many years, and the births of my children are the things that keep me going.

I can’t work for anyone because I cannot stand to be told what to do. I started my own content development business a number of years ago to get out from under the thumbs of unreasonable bosses. Yes, I follow the instructions of my clients, but that is very tolerable for me. I aim to please, I do my job well, and my clients are almost always satisfied. The job does come with a great deal of stress when there are deadlines or I am dealing with a difficult client, but these are stresses that last short periods of time. Short-term stressors do result in a roller coaster ride that eventually compounds the stress, making it seem bigger than what it is. It’s like this: I’m stressed, I’m relieved, I’m stressed again, and then I am stressed because of experiencing it again after getting over it so soon. In other words, I get stressed about being stressed.

So now that I’m aware, why don’t I just stop it? I wish it was that easy. Being that I am aware, I can work on those areas that I know I can work on. Other areas need the help of a professional. I feel that I have reached a plateau in my life where I have dealt with the small things and now I’m faced with this large beast I cannot control. I have fought all of the small battles in the video game and now I am faced with the boss fight.

Fortunately, I am living with PTSD and I am facing my problem head on in order to deal with it. Through the proper therapy, I am getting to the bottom of it by realizing what child abuse did to me and how it did it to me (it’s really what the child abuser did to me). I’ve always wondered why I was unable to control some of my responses and now I realize that when a child’s emotional development is interfered with, the result is not what it should be. Any time a process is corrupted, it’s result is compromised.

If you believe that you are suffering from PTSD, it is ideal to seek professional help. If you are not sure, review the aforementioned symptoms and see how many of them sound like you. If you are tired of being irritable, of feeling unstable, and of being anxious and stressed all of the time, it is imperative to seek help. No, you don’t necessarily have to medicate yourself. Sometimes it is simply a matter of getting to the bottom of the issue and learning techniques to deal.

Look out for more articles from me on this topic, including coping mechanisms and other related information.